From moving around a lot in my childhood and negative brushes with others I have developed a hard shell. I walk around often with what I call a "perpetual scowl," I'm quiet, hard to get to know, and very private. All of these things are a defense mechanism surrounding what is in actuality a sensitive person. At some point, though the shell starts to become the person and it has made me colder, more sarcastic, and slightly apathetic (though never to the extreme of any of these). After one move I decided that I could be a island and didn't need to form new friendships--friends were difficult to develop and harder to keep. I lived this way for over a month (always alone, even rebuffing some offers of friendship) before I realized that while I could be alone it was better to have friends (and the inherent drama there of).
Lately though, my shell is breaking down both outwardly and inwardly. I can see myself becoming softer, boosted by good friends and positive experiences. It is warming to be around people who are caring and kind, but frightening to realize that part of my "safety" is disappearing. (When you can't feel anything no one can hurt you.)
I'm noticing how hurt turns to anger for some and sympathy for others. For me, I err on the latter. I think that people who have really been hurt, cut very deeply by others know the most empathy and are sympathetic. When you have been the odd man out, the victim, felt under constant barrage, it's a feeling you wouldn't wish on anyone else or contribute to. Instead of lashing out, you quietly defend or empathize.
I could go for awhile on this strain, but I won't. As tradition, here is what I am wearing today (when I actually get up):
37 comments:
You're right about people being hurt being the most emphatic. Insightful post!
Love the outfit. The scarf brings ot to a whole new level.
really cute scarf : )
You sound a lot like me.
Its hard to let people in isn't it.
:) xxxx
I know how you feel I moved around a lot when I was younger too and sine I moved to australia for a year and half I seem to have lost contact with my old friends. I do have a shell around me, you don't want to get hurt or to be too involved.
anyway I love your outfit, amazing as usual. the color combination is great!
I'm quite suspicious of overly-open ppl....so shells are good...
The scarf is beautiful...
I couldn't sleep last night either! You should look up the video I linked to about the conpiracy of 4am...its funny! (still haven't figured out how to embed videos!)
I've been loving your starburst flavoured jeans recently. Juicy!
the scarf is pretty..and i was touched by your words
i totally feel you.
I completely understand what you are saying.
My experiences are pretty much identical to yours, and I can say from experience that while letting your wall break away makes you much more vulnerable, it is much more rewarding.
I still wake up surprised some mornings at how wonderful I feel, how much love I have, and how glad I am I let that scared little gray girl fade away as I grew up.
Good luck with your growing up.
I know very well what you're talking about. I did not have to move a lot as a kid, but I was thrown to create my fortress after bad experiences with bad people.
After a while I, too, realized I could not live like that forever. My life is better ever since then but it is definitely easier to get hurt. There's a good balance between hurt and good people and experiences, so I am happy.
I love the outfit. Very sophisticated.
xx
I'm with everyone else; I am an only child, and I think that forces a person to be content alone, but all the harder to desire friendships. Similar to your sitch, in a way. I hope everything resolves itself for you. I love your bangles.
I really don't think that being cold and apathetic on the outside, and having all that shell, really protects you from anything. I don't know you to say that it's true for you, but personally for me it's almost impossible not to be hurt by things that usually hurt me, no matter how hard I try to cover it up with indifference.
Instead of protecting it just casuses trouble, because then you neglect from cool people and miss out on chances to feel happy.
My point is, I think you should be happy about slowly losing that shell :)
Have a great weekend.
I know what you mean - it's so much safer to stay in the shell. I find I sometimes brush people off rather than risking having nothing in common or them not liking me. In the end though it's always better to open up, but I think if I didn't have a little cynicism and shyness, I really wouldn't be me.
In other news, your scarf/carved bangle combo is gorgeous dude.
Smile pretty or the centerpiece of spring
Walked with the chill.
With the chill dampening my spirits.
Walked with wet snow.
With the snow numbing my soul.
Perched upon a spread of white,
A tent appeared in my chilling sight.
As if constructed only to invite,
Me. To the colors violet, red, and blue.
The entry columns beige and ornate
were sturdy strong challenging fate,
Cautiously, I moved closer.
My nostrils filled with aroma spring,
flowing warm with heart felt sting.
As I peered through the columns,
What did I see?
A centerpiece placed waiting for me.
Slowly my heart began to warm
To the notion, to the tent, to the spread
And the most intriguing,
Centerpiece of spring.
I also love your outfit - your dress is awesome.
I totally agree with your insight. I also moved around and find that although I am friendly and love hanging out with people, I spend much more time asking people about their lives and getting to know them, then letting them get to know me. Its really hard to be vulnerable but I am finding out how important it is, even in work settings in order that people will learn to respect and trust you.
its okay to feel like that, i know what thats like too. i dont know where this is from, talked about it in philosophy class, but your ramble reminded me of the whole ' to feel pain is to know you are alive, human'. not in an emo way or anything, but ya..
I used to be/am a little like that. With the whole hard shell and everything. But I guess (And I'm going to quote Dumbledore here, because he's pretty much my hero) the beauty of being human IS being able to feel pain. You only hurt over things you care about. And it's always nice to care about something, and to be cared about too.
How's your kneenis?? Hehh :P
And I love your scarf, btw :]
Like you, I've always been very aware of my shell. When I was younger I had some really hurtful interactions with people, this is when it started to develop. Even though it's been years, the guard I put up as protection has stayed. My boyfriend is constantly perplexed as to why I'm not as friendly to people as he is(he grew up never having experienced the meaness I did from others). He doesn't understand that cruelty can be really damaging and cause you to put up a wall around yourself. As I get older, I've noticed the shell is slowly starting to fade, but there's fraction of it that I thik will always remain.
it's hard finding good, true friends you can trust. i've had a horrible experience with this one girl a year ago or so and she would feed off of my insecurities and was waaay too jealous of everything. It started to become competitive and then it was downhill from there. I've seen her blog about her "she devil" old friends as she calls us but she doesnt realize that it takes to to tango. Sometimes we all have to give in and trust people or we'd never have ANY friends. ;o) p.s. you kinda resemble that cute girl the sart took photos of
I really like what you wrote and I think that it is very much to your credit that have been been able to come out of your shell in such a public way because it is very hard for many people to do so. There are so many bloggers who never show their face but putting yourself front and center is probably a big reason why people like your blog so much.
Also, your outfit is cute, it's making me reconsider leggings right now and maybe find something that is a legging/pants hybrid.
i am having sleeping problems lately too, i think that´s because we do a lot during the day and we don´t stop doing in our minds...
it´s not good...
a kiss and a hug
i think everyone has the same shell but whereas some people's layers may be block walls, others may be fake or totally transparent.
whenever i consider why people are horrible or nasty to others (or myself) i try to wonder if they're just hurt inside, like say if you say something bitchy about someone and then realise their grandma's just died or something, you can't take people for their first layer. maybe now your layers are like tissue paper rather than brick, they're there but you've learnt to live and grown with them? embrace it i say, you're lucky to find people who care about you and want to know the real you!
I love the scarf. I can definitely sympathize--especially with the part about the shell becoming the person--hopefully you'll keep having those positive experiences.
love the scarf!
I too moved around often as a child. It's a hard road for a sensitive soul. And completely understandable why someone would develop a shell. I think it's great that you are channelling your concerns and insights into blog posts so that you and others can get to know you better. K
I've moved around alot too, and have always been the quiet, odd one out at my schools,,,i do make a few friends but the majority end up being fake to me and not answering any of the mail i send, even after having claimed that theyll stay as my "best friend" until the end. but then those are just passing moments and there are all those other moments to look forward to in life
I also could not sleep last night, my mind was racing. Anyhow, got up this morning and the weather was beautiful, made me appriciate it even more after last nights endless thinking. Love the skarf, you are to cute!
From moving around a lot in my childhood and negative brushes with others I have developed a hard shell. I walk around often with what I call a "perpetual scowl," I'm quiet, hard to get to know, and very private. All of these things are a defense mechanism surrounding what is in actuality a sensitive person. At some point, though the shell starts to become the person and it has made me colder, more sarcastic, and slightly apathetic (though never to the extreme of any of these). After one move I decided that I could be a island and didn't need to form new friendships--friends were difficult to develop and harder to keep. I lived this way for over a month (always alone, even rebuffing some offers of friendship) before I realized that while I could be alone it was better to have friends (and the inherent drama there of).
Lately though, my shell is breaking down both outwardly and inwardly. I can see myself becoming softer, boosted by good friends and positive experiences. It is warming to be around people who are caring and kind, but frightening to realize that part of my "safety" is disappearing. (When you can't feel anything no one can hurt you.)
It's the same for me. I'm trying to get out of it...but I still feel a bit burned from past experiences. Friends are helping for me as well. Another good reason to read this blog.
I'm glad to hear you are opening up to new people and experiences. I think this is something many of us struggle with, it's why I have only a few friends (that are all wonderful!)
For about two years I went to a school where I became the subject of four bullying girls. It ground me down to a nub emotionally. I developed some coping mechanisms that served me well there, but later, when I changed schools, I was able to shed some of those DMs because—like you—I found some caring, wonderful, non-judgmental people with whom to be friends.
Being the odd man out fosters empathy, I think. One thing I've learned is that people who undercut others are often undercut themselves, in ways we can never know. Thus, they lash out. That doesn't excuse bad behavior, but once I learned this, things were easier for me. Of course, this is only my personal experience.
I couldn't imagine you with a shell. I'm glad you come out of it on your blog. Thank you.
Having lived both the shell-encased life and the open, exposed feelings life, I can honestly say that it is better to be free and open.
You're going to get hurt-you need to.
If we didn't have certain experiences in life, we would be unformed, clueless babies.
I know how you feel, I moved a lot when I was young too.It is never simple.
Anyway, I love the way you write and how you describe yourself as an island ... beautiful.
(And nice outfit!)
i am searching for such a scarf :( i love it!
It's tempting to say 'I know exactly how you feel', but since I'm not you, it wouldn't be accurate. So maybe I could say, 'I know something of how that feels', because I'm not an easy person to befriend either, I walk around with the permanent scowl too, and sometimes I realy don't like being emotionally reliant on my friends to prop me up (which begs the question: what happens when they're not in your life?). But friends are a good thing to have, mine have kept me sane and even happy through the years, and I'm sure yours do the same. Maybe we won't find friends everywhere, but we can take them where we find them, right?
as always, your words are poignant and beautifully stated. i want to start off by saying, congrats. being able to take your walls down and your shell fall apart, shows an evolution and understanding of not only the social environment around you, but you yourself as a human being...a person living in that same society. it takes guts to take that step to opening yourself up to all the different types of people out there, but it takes maturity and compassion to react and sustain your thoughtful uniqueness in spite of what comes your way...without the wall to hide behind.
Thanks for this. I appreciate this little insight into your heart. It give me hope. This last year I have built up walls because I have been very hurt. Maybe someday, a long way away, I can be brave again and make myself vulnerable to those who could hug me or hurt me.
:o)
Alli
Wow!
i tottaly relate to what you wrote.
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